The following has been written by a recently appointed consultant anaesthetist:

In 2004 I made attempt on my own life by injecting a cocktail of anaesthetic drugs. Fortunately I did notsucceed.  I spent the next two months as an in-patient on a psychiatric ward. This was definitely my lowest point but there is a happy ending to this story.

It is difficult to look back and assess precisely what events led to this point. Certainly I had always suffered with depression but until 2004 I had been able to cope by distracting myself with changes in circumstance, new projects or exercising excessively. This time was different in terms of the fact that I was planning a wedding, decorating a new house, revising for exams and coping with a very long journey to work. This time I was very restricted in being able to relieve any pressure and so my thoughts turned inwards and formed a negative spiral of self loathing. In turn this degenerated into an irrational pattern of thinking and ultimately a loss of insight and the events in 2004.

While this description may seem a little vague it is important to understand that my mind was affected so severely that I can barely remember all but a handful of days from my in-patient stay. It is much easier however to work out what got me better.  My wife came to see me every day and continued this even when I wouldn't see her for the first three weeks.  Medication played a role -   particularly in the acute stage and cognitive behavioural therapy has been extremely useful in reshaping my thought processes thus preventing negative thought spirals and keeping me healthy.

My recovery was not without its problems. While still unwell and in fact an in-patient I went out for a medical training course. One of the problems I had to come to terms with was that I saw my entire self worth as tied up with being a doctor. In my mind I had given up on being an anaesthetist and was desperate to cling to anything that helped me keep that sense of self worth. This act and the suicide attempt (for which I had stolen drugs from work) brought me to the attention of the GMC. While initially classed as misconduct this was subsequently downgraded to a health concern. 

I was off work for the best part of two years. In some ways the GMC intervention helped in slowing my return to work as an anaesthetist though I can safely say that it was one of the most unpleasant experiences anyone can have. I finally made the return to work with the help of the college tutor who was fantastic. My confidence grew and I completed my training. My final hurdle - the securing of a permanent consultant post - occurred this year. For this part of the process the  Deanery careers  service was excellent in providing the support and confidence I needed to help me apply ( as you can imagine I was a little nervous about the interview process). I am set to move to a part of the country I have always wanted to live in with my life and two children. There was no way that in 2004 I could have ever believed this was possible. My advice to anyone in the same position is seek help early; don' t let things deteriorate as I did, and trust the psychiatric services in this country  They may  receive a bad press but without the psychiatric help I received I would have never recovered or perhaps even survived.

Please note the content and opinions expressed in all case studies are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the views of www.medicalcareers.nhs.uk